Everything is so romantic

When I was nineteen the only thing that crossed my mind was party. At the time I was surrounding myself the most with musically inclined people, bands and long-term friends who worshipped music like no other. Through these influences I too began to go out every night & that went on until last year's summer, I call it my golden party girl era, it felt elite. I sadly had to take some time off from having fun to focus on my studies, finishing up in a community college and transferring to a (party) university but God enough about this sad little story telling because it's back to being summer and I am back to that era........or so I thought so.......... Like I promised last post, I want to talk about my experience at the Brat tour. I have been an XCX angel since the age of 12 and not so surprisingly can admit that Charli (along with Lana & Lorde) is by far the most influential person/artist I praise and the reason why my personality is the way it is. The best friendships I created growing up were amongst the gay community because I felt so highly understood by them and I can admit that till this day the closest friends I have are gay boys who once were so shy & now I've seen them blossom into the most beautifully creative human beings I can ever admire. Happy to experience the show with these two beautiful humans was by far the highlight of my night. The show itself was insane, with multiple quick rushes (oh of course I had to) and a few drinks in my bloodstream, the dancing amongst sweaty bodies felt like no other. I had such a high that night that by the time the concert was over the glitter makeup I had on was down to my chest and I felt my body aching from the amount of movements on the floor. No longer drunk my conscious mind sent me to a deep dark state that even when I met up with more friends for the afters, I didn't want to go.

The night before Charli I had gone to a birthday party with my friend Lor. It was fun to go out and socialize with girls because I hadn't done much socially besides seeing this guy which led to nothing but a confused mind and a lot of drinking that night. Now I can't blame him for that but only myself for naturally being loving and caring about him more than I should.......leaving it to actions speak louder than words. I got too much in my system that instead of living up to my party girl moment, I got sad and just felt bad for myself, it happens it's part of being a girl (I told you you'd see the most intimate parts of myself.) But because this night felt intense and Charli's show was even more excessive, I couldn't do that afters. I also kinda realized that I was not built to be in a room with the presence of both Charli xcx and her fiancé George Daniels because they both shaped my life to the extent that I wouldn't be able to act naturally in a after party setting.....hopefully one day it'll be my right time to interact with both of them. In both scenarios it felt like I didn't want to go back to back with my feelings but I also knew that it was not right drowning them down with stroke lights and glass shots. Everyone seemed so happy and yet here I was rather thinking that I couldn't do any more talking stages because I feared that if I kiss new lips I'll want to dissolve myself into thin air. Being alone that night after the show was the remedy, although missing out on dancing with Leah and Charli did suck.

Unfortunately no afters would have cleared my mind on how I felt that night but as the rest of this week rolled out, I felt fine again. I knew not to blame anyone for the way I felt because what was eating my mind up that night were suppressed feelings I carried for too long, admitting them in real life and even here feels good. I'm not heartbroken or upset at anyone, I actually feel more content now that I don't have the urge to expect highly of someone romantically because as Charli said, everything is so romantic, and like a drunk girl in a club setting telling everyone she bumps into that she loves them, I found love in seeing grown up Berto and Collin dancing with no other thoughts in life, the crying session I had after being drunk because I learned I do have feelings, the hot sun burning my skin as I play more tennis, the laughs that I share in between Jenn and I's hang outs, feeling even the love from the cold water in laguna beach. I'm sure my party girl era will revisit us soon because as I said in the beginning, the next chapter in my life is about to consist on a lot of that, but for now, I'll play life as it is.

Thanks Charli for Brat, you're finally getting the recognition you deserve from the world and I only hope for bigger things to that.