Lost in translation

As much as this blog is like a baby to me, as a mother I am learning ways in how to maintain it alive and keep it growing (which I have not been so successful at but don't come at me with my bad parenting skills I'm not ready quite yet) but as the weeks have passed by and I am writing now from my room's balcony listening to Vangelis and smoking a capri, I've realized that everything I've kept inside of me until now needs to be written in order for me to process it, it's been to so hard to process stuff. Do not call me out on this, I am not the greatest at keeping my promises but for the sake of my future autobiography I'll keep this running, so without further discussion I'll take us back in time..................

I'm writing from the 21st floor of the Waikiki Sheraton princess hotel. It’s Wednesday and although we leave tomorrow, it feels like eternity that i have slept in these white sheets and have woken up to the glazing sun in our balcony. I’m craving a cigarette but I haven’t smoked for a month now, which many may be proud of but I just find myself feeling more miserable. The waves look so sweet and gentle today and from swimming this past week I can say that it’s truly an experience. This whole trip is, even sitting in the hot balcony sipping coffee from the hotel room’s coffee machine. Everything is just too beautiful to me, and that’s rare to say because back at home I can’t even stand the tourists like I do here, but maybe that’s just my impostor syndrome talking as I’m a tourist myself. We went to the north shore yesterday, which is basically the ranch side of the island. I can’t even begin to express the connection I felt with that place, how my body moved to the rhythm of the water and how almost about everyone i met that day felt attracted to me. I made a a lot friends although if you knew me you already know I make these connections easily and so with a small conversation I found myself clicking away with a Hawaiian aunty who was willing to keep me as hers forever with a simple yes coming out of me. Of course my family would've never allowed me to go through with that idea but I genuinely think that if school was not as important as it is for me, I would've stayed. I came to Hawaii for family reasons but for the most part, experiencing a vacation like this with my childhood best friend, Cecilia, somehow healed an inner part of me that I never imagined bringing out. The whole entire time it felt like we we're thirteen again those little girls with big dreams and certainly nothing else to worry about besides what flavors we'd be picking on our shaved ice that day. I loved Hawaii, it was a week of getting to find my younger self again and setting her free out of boredom in living in a hotel and swimming every single day in the bright sun until my skin turned crispy brown and then I came back.........

Blasting Starcrawler on my way back home from picking up my morning matcha I did not notice the parking ticket on my dashboard until I parked inside my driveway. The LA gods and I love to play the game parking roulette and in hopes that I win at the end, I was not successful that day. What other loving little gift can I expect from sweet Los Angeles to have for me if not a delightful parking citation? (p.s. this just reminded me to pay for it fuck!) I spent the week after Hawaii being a party girl and although I felt very much jet lagged, I managed to pull a 6 day bender, one that we never mention again after this blog. I managed to survive that and got to see all my beautiful angels of friends that I have realizing that my time here in the city is about to end soon. I told myself that after Hawaii time would quickly go by and I'd be heading up to Santa Barbara in a month from now that you are reading this, leaving everything like love, friends and (the most painful) food that I cannot survive with. I cannot stand how time goes by so fast, how about two years ago I was in Lollapalooza with an Irish band and my best friend never imagining that this current time would be my life but I also never have felt so sure to be who I am until now that at 21 can answer the question "do you have a 5 year plan?" compared to last year when my ex boyfriend asked me that and I most certainly did not but did break down in tears when he told me how lost he thought I was (Lucas perhaps you'll never read this but thank you for completely destroying my ego). My time is running short AGAIN AHHHH SEE HOW MUCH TIME TAKES FROM ME NOOOOO......but I did not want to break the promise of having this uploaded by 5pm so perhaps I may now know what I want in life, perhaps all it took was for me to distance myself from major social groups that I associated myself with and spend sometime by the sea bringing back the inner child in me to swim until my lungs gave up or even drinking a milkshake with a boy who inspires me everyday because he is so full of life and reaching for his dreams has inspired me to runaway to Santa Barbara and reach for my own, but until now I count my days here in beautiful LA, the city that birthed me and has protected me like one of its angels for twenty one years.