Won't make my mama proud

As of lately I've revisited in my mind the things I have done at a young age that I know were terrible ideas but somehow built character in who I am. The biggest one was probably befriending the wrong people in the Hollywood business, men that met me at nineteen and were hungry for a fresh baby face which I could provide but deep inside me I knew it did not feel morally right. I remember hopping off a motorcycle after lying to my mom about where I was going that night and only thinking to myself "if I'm playing with my life on a vehicle that is not so reliable then do I really love myself?" allowing that thought to leave me as dead as I envisioned my own body on the iconic Mullholland drive ground surrounded by strangers who questioned why was I the girl who got left to die that night. It was a horrible depiction, I get it but it could have happened and it wouldn't have made my mama proud.

But can I ever make her proud? As girls (assuming majority are girls reading this) we grow up with a very interesting relationship with our mothers, or so I did. My mom is my best friend, she hears everything I have to say about boys, places I want to visit, bands I annoy her with and so much more. But I know that she is also my mother, and sometimes I highly disappoint her and even disrespect her because I am very selfish. This has formed a very complicated relationship because even when I am seeing someone who makes me happy, I want to hide them from her not knowing how she'll react or even when I do succeed in something I have doubted myself so highly in it does not feel like I've done enough to make her happy. When I was younger the feeling I had towards not making her proud hurt me so much but as I've gotten older that feeling has diminished knowing that sometimes being selfish is the right thing to do even if it means she won't be as happy. Miss Chappell Roan kinda describes this feeling in Pink Pony Club, which if you haven't listened (you should by now unless you're a straight man), talks about how leaving to LA made her mom upset but because she is doing what she loves the most, being on that stage with her heels, she has succeeded although her mother thinks otherwise. This song has been on replay all week for me not only because it is such a good song but also because with everything in my life changing so rapidly, I'm becoming to think that I can be happy being the version of myself that I want to be even if it means my mom won't be as excited about it. She's always told me, get a degree and I am listening to her but will she be equally as happy with me when I start my girl band with my friends and I invite her to a show? And what if it were the case that blew up one day would she be okay with that? I know that growing up she envisioned a life for me so differently from what I want. I know she always wanted me to have a stable home and maybe give her some grandchildren but what if what I want is to move around cities being so clueless until I am not? It is a lot of pressure to be the only daughter that my mother has, a daughter who is no good but would being good be worth it if I am not happy at the end?

My lifeless body laying down in the iconic Mullholland drive scene, it could have ended there that night, but it didn't and I still wouldn't have made you proud. I may sound selfish now but if it makes me happy I know that deep inside she'll be happy too and one day, maybe just one day pride won't be the only thing that keeps us from acknowledging that the wild things I do today and in the future are all for her, if it is freedom that I have I'll do everything her younger self wished just to make that version proud.