The Best Day Ever

In kid years it feels like a day is equivalent to an eternity, but as we get older every day feels like it’s flying away. I thought about this earlier today, when I realized that I was having the best summer day ever and even expressed it out loud that if today was my last day living on earth, I’d be okay with that. Now not to get so sentimental with death (I’ve finished most of Didion’s book about grief & it’s provided me with a different perspective in life) but I find myself feeling comfort in minor moments as of lately, especially when I’m enjoying my time in the presence of a friend I love or even by myself. I’ve never thought about this until now, but if I had somewhat found myself being told I get one extra day in my life ever, I would want to spend it like any other perfect summer day like the recent ones I’ve had.

I’d wake up and probably go to canyon for matcha and a toast which means I’ll probably gossip for a while with my girlfriends before running fun little errands. We’d probably go to our favorite little thrift shops around the area and end up at a bookstore buying our paychecks out of books to read in the park. We’d grab some food at figaro and then go to a pretty little park like barnsdall since it’s near by but on our way there a gypsy would follow us around in her red car begging us to stop and get a reading from her (this actually did happen but I was chased by her all the way from beverly hills to downtown LA & I still didn’t figure out if the guy I’m dating casually would ever become my husband in the future.) Anyways, by the time we’d finish with the park it would be dark and we’d probably go grab a cute little sweet treat and call it a night. I wouldn’t want anything else in life except to relieve a day like this, a day so sweet and full of activities just to be in presence of the people I love but of course finish a book before my last day on earth would be crucial so it’d have to be something special like Babitz, an ode to the woman who similarly to me was born and raised in a city so catastrophically chic, full of wondering souls that come from different places and people like her and I, who just remain living here until we die.  

This summer is making me feel very melancholic and although normally I am, this year feels so different like I'm going through all these experiences only because I know that they are so temporary and won't hurt me in the long run. I say this now but not everything temporary can avoid pain, it is quite a luxury to experience summer love with someone or with life itself and never experience something like this again. I mean if it were up to me like I've said above I would repeat these kinds of days over and over until the day I die, and may that is my life, just pure love around Silverlake and I really am meant to live and die in this beautiful city. I romanticize my life a lot I know you can tell but there's hardly any romanticizing to it if I am physically living it day by day as I type it on here. You only know about my thoughts each friday but those who are lucky enough get to share this similar happy life with me.

Won't make my mama proud

As of lately I've revisited in my mind the things I have done at a young age that I know were terrible ideas but somehow built character in who I am. The biggest one was probably befriending the wrong people in the Hollywood business, men that met me at nineteen and were hungry for a fresh baby face which I could provide but deep inside me I knew it did not feel morally right. I remember hopping off a motorcycle after lying to my mom about where I was going that night and only thinking to myself "if I'm playing with my life on a vehicle that is not so reliable then do I really love myself?" allowing that thought to leave me as dead as I envisioned my own body on the iconic Mullholland drive ground surrounded by strangers who questioned why was I the girl who got left to die that night. It was a horrible depiction, I get it but it could have happened and it wouldn't have made my mama proud.

But can I ever make her proud? As girls (assuming majority are girls reading this) we grow up with a very interesting relationship with our mothers, or so I did. My mom is my best friend, she hears everything I have to say about boys, places I want to visit, bands I annoy her with and so much more. But I know that she is also my mother, and sometimes I highly disappoint her and even disrespect her because I am very selfish. This has formed a very complicated relationship because even when I am seeing someone who makes me happy, I want to hide them from her not knowing how she'll react or even when I do succeed in something I have doubted myself so highly in it does not feel like I've done enough to make her happy. When I was younger the feeling I had towards not making her proud hurt me so much but as I've gotten older that feeling has diminished knowing that sometimes being selfish is the right thing to do even if it means she won't be as happy. Miss Chappell Roan kinda describes this feeling in Pink Pony Club, which if you haven't listened (you should by now unless you're a straight man), talks about how leaving to LA made her mom upset but because she is doing what she loves the most, being on that stage with her heels, she has succeeded although her mother thinks otherwise. This song has been on replay all week for me not only because it is such a good song but also because with everything in my life changing so rapidly, I'm becoming to think that I can be happy being the version of myself that I want to be even if it means my mom won't be as excited about it. She's always told me, get a degree and I am listening to her but will she be equally as happy with me when I start my girl band with my friends and I invite her to a show? And what if it were the case that blew up one day would she be okay with that? I know that growing up she envisioned a life for me so differently from what I want. I know she always wanted me to have a stable home and maybe give her some grandchildren but what if what I want is to move around cities being so clueless until I am not? It is a lot of pressure to be the only daughter that my mother has, a daughter who is no good but would being good be worth it if I am not happy at the end?

My lifeless body laying down in the iconic Mullholland drive scene, it could have ended there that night, but it didn't and I still wouldn't have made you proud. I may sound selfish now but if it makes me happy I know that deep inside she'll be happy too and one day, maybe just one day pride won't be the only thing that keeps us from acknowledging that the wild things I do today and in the future are all for her, if it is freedom that I have I'll do everything her younger self wished just to make that version proud.

Everything is so romantic

When I was nineteen the only thing that crossed my mind was party. At the time I was surrounding myself the most with musically inclined people, bands and long-term friends who worshipped music like no other. Through these influences I too began to go out every night & that went on until last year's summer, I call it my golden party girl era, it felt elite. I sadly had to take some time off from having fun to focus on my studies, finishing up in a community college and transferring to a (party) university but God enough about this sad little story telling because it's back to being summer and I am back to that era........or so I thought so.......... Like I promised last post, I want to talk about my experience at the Brat tour. I have been an XCX angel since the age of 12 and not so surprisingly can admit that Charli (along with Lana & Lorde) is by far the most influential person/artist I praise and the reason why my personality is the way it is. The best friendships I created growing up were amongst the gay community because I felt so highly understood by them and I can admit that till this day the closest friends I have are gay boys who once were so shy & now I've seen them blossom into the most beautifully creative human beings I can ever admire. Happy to experience the show with these two beautiful humans was by far the highlight of my night. The show itself was insane, with multiple quick rushes (oh of course I had to) and a few drinks in my bloodstream, the dancing amongst sweaty bodies felt like no other. I had such a high that night that by the time the concert was over the glitter makeup I had on was down to my chest and I felt my body aching from the amount of movements on the floor. No longer drunk my conscious mind sent me to a deep dark state that even when I met up with more friends for the afters, I didn't want to go.

The night before Charli I had gone to a birthday party with my friend Lor. It was fun to go out and socialize with girls because I hadn't done much socially besides seeing this guy which led to nothing but a confused mind and a lot of drinking that night. Now I can't blame him for that but only myself for naturally being loving and caring about him more than I should.......leaving it to actions speak louder than words. I got too much in my system that instead of living up to my party girl moment, I got sad and just felt bad for myself, it happens it's part of being a girl (I told you you'd see the most intimate parts of myself.) But because this night felt intense and Charli's show was even more excessive, I couldn't do that afters. I also kinda realized that I was not built to be in a room with the presence of both Charli xcx and her fiancé George Daniels because they both shaped my life to the extent that I wouldn't be able to act naturally in a after party setting.....hopefully one day it'll be my right time to interact with both of them. In both scenarios it felt like I didn't want to go back to back with my feelings but I also knew that it was not right drowning them down with stroke lights and glass shots. Everyone seemed so happy and yet here I was rather thinking that I couldn't do any more talking stages because I feared that if I kiss new lips I'll want to dissolve myself into thin air. Being alone that night after the show was the remedy, although missing out on dancing with Leah and Charli did suck.

Unfortunately no afters would have cleared my mind on how I felt that night but as the rest of this week rolled out, I felt fine again. I knew not to blame anyone for the way I felt because what was eating my mind up that night were suppressed feelings I carried for too long, admitting them in real life and even here feels good. I'm not heartbroken or upset at anyone, I actually feel more content now that I don't have the urge to expect highly of someone romantically because as Charli said, everything is so romantic, and like a drunk girl in a club setting telling everyone she bumps into that she loves them, I found love in seeing grown up Berto and Collin dancing with no other thoughts in life, the crying session I had after being drunk because I learned I do have feelings, the hot sun burning my skin as I play more tennis, the laughs that I share in between Jenn and I's hang outs, feeling even the love from the cold water in laguna beach. I'm sure my party girl era will revisit us soon because as I said in the beginning, the next chapter in my life is about to consist on a lot of that, but for now, I'll play life as it is.

Thanks Charli for Brat, you're finally getting the recognition you deserve from the world and I only hope for bigger things to that.